Tuesday, March 25

Lost.

I feel lost.

Except that lost doesn't really fit.

My life has purpose. I accomplish things. I find joy in serving others and making a difference. I have people who love me and make huge sacrifices for my wellbeing. I have most of the things anyone could ask for.

And yet...

I feel lost.

I don't know what my life will look like in 10 years. Or 5 years. Or 6 months. I don't have a plan for a career, or even a direction. I have a hundred different options that are each open... yet each feels mediocre. Should I be an author and finish the novels I've begun? Throw myself into my growing essential oil business (which could use all the help I can give)? Go back to college to be certified to teach elementary school? Focus on music and making Grace into something amazing? Find ways to share the gospel with the SSA community through North Star? Focus on my personal health and share my story of mental/spiritual healing and growth? Pursue my ideas for new consumer food products? Find an entry-level job in plant genetics? Get a PhD so I can teach at a university? Open a vegan, ultra-healthy restaurant or a variance on the typical health food/herb store? Just focus on what I'm currently doing?

It's not just that nothing feels right. They all seem like good things I could do to make a difference and use my talents... and they all seem wrong.

Where should I go? What should I do? I know that my personal mission in life is teaching the gospel, but where? How?

I could be on the right path already. But I have no long-term personal or professional goals. Get married. Raise a family. Be a good member of the Church and a lifelong missionary. Follow the promptings of the Holy Spirit and make a difference as a tool in the hands of Jesus. But is that enough? I want to know what is coming. I want to be able to say, "I'll have done this in a decade..." and have a goal that has real power in pushing me to excel in life.

I guess this is a good question to take to General Conference. It's the same question I've asked for years now. Last time the answer was "focus on people" - so I've tried to focus on people and let God worry about the rest.

I hope that God has more instructions for me.

But... if He doesn't... then what? I willing to walk through life without seeing the path?

I hope so. 

The words of Lead, Kindly Light come to mind: "Keep Thou my feet; I do not ask to see the distant scene. One step [is] enough for me."

Maybe God just wants me close to Him. On my own projects, with a timeline I can see, maybe I would drift too far away from the One who sees all things. 

Maybe I would stray from the path if I could see it clearly. Maybe I'd try to reach the destination before making the journey. Or maybe I'd be too afraid to try.

I hope He has answers for me. But if not, then I'll just keep moving forward. Gathering manna from the ground each day when it appears from the Heavens, not knowing where it comes from or what will happen next... but trusting that God will make it all work out in the end.


5 comments:

Janix Moon said...

Your post today "Lost" really struck a cord with me. I totally know how you feel. Even when the answer comes we feel so unsure, never knowing if we are on the right path but just trusting Heavenly Father's guiding hand. I wanted to say something when I read it this morning but wasn't sure what to say. Then later, I read this famous poem and thought of that struggle to find one's path.

"But yield who will to their separation,
MY object in living is to unite!

My avocation and my vocation
As my two eyes make one in sight.

Only where love and need are one,
And the work is play for mortal stakes,

Is the deed ever really done
For Heaven and the future's sakes."
-Robert Frost

To me, this means to make your work your passion and your passion your work. I know that's what you are trying to do and I can't really help much with making 'that' decision. But just know that you will, in the end, choose the thing you were meant to do. This poem shows me that when we serve God and our fellow man, our work will be the correct path.

When we moved to Salt Lake a few years back, I was struggling between many good options that I wanted to pursue. I asked Heavenly Father and in his infuriating wonderful way, He said, "You choose."
He wants us to create wonderful things in our life, but He also wants us to make what we will, and not be compelled on which path is best. Makes it hard on us because we just don't know what we want. But keep talking to Him and to others about it; keep asking questions. The answer will rise to the top and you'll know it. Till then, stay strong! Don't feel lost, we're all here with you cheering you on until you figure out what makes the most sense to you.

Thanks for everything you do. You are inspirational!

Michaela Stephens said...

I've been feeling the same way. You're not alone in this.

Anonymous said...

David my friend, I keep thinking of the hymn "Each Life That Touches Ours For Good" ... and also about the guidance you received last conference: Focus on People. You're thinking large scale in this post, and that's understandable. But I hope you won't underestimate the quality of the experiences you're already living. Building a business which provides a high quality product that helps people and gives you an opportunity to work with your family, blessing their lives and yours. Your writing work that already has the potential of reaching thousands, helping them connect with revealed truth on a personal level. The joy that Grace brings into the life of each member of the group and into the hearts of those who hear your performances. Your efforts as a Ward Mission Leader. This blog. The many ways you share yourself as a friend. Personally speaking, no phone call from you has ever gone unappreciated. Every time you've said "yes" to an invitation to spend time with me and my family or shared your talent in a performance at church or for friends. God already is guiding you in your life and he's already helping you fulfill your mission. I've observed it as it's been happening. There is absolutely no doubt he'll continue to guide you as he's been doing. I hope you're already feeling a little less lost that you did yesterday when you wrote this post. I pray you'll be able to enjoy all the good things you're already doing with your life and the blessings you're already receiving, which are considerable. I hope you can know you make a difference and feel the love people have for you as you've touched their lives for good ... and, just as importantly, allowed them to touch your life for good. Perhaps letting go ... surrendering one's will ... and joyfully living in the here and now (trusting in the substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things not seen), is the most courageous thing any of us will ever do.

Anonymous said...

We just talked about these exact things in my class yesterday. We were required to read a devotional given by Jeffery Thompson titled "What is your Calling in Life?". Its pretty good I would suggest you read it.

kim said...

I have no idea why I am commenting, but the mother in me needs to give advice.
This is the most energizing, exciting, and frightening time in your life. It is amazing to think of the world at your fingertips and you just have to chose a path. So my unasked for advice- place yourself in the best position that keeps as many options open as possible, and your path will become clear. Be patient with yourself, it will come.