Thursday, September 5
I must have eaten too many carbs today. Maybe. That could be the issue.
Whatever the reason, right now I'm feeling an interesting type of loneliness. The interesting side is that I can't really think of anyone I want to talk to. Or what would fix the feeling.
Is that a sort of strange introversion? Where I feel the need to be close to people, yet don't really want them close? Am I just a horrible person for somehow judging all the people who do want to be close to me... and not wanting to reach out to them when I need help? What is happening?
After thinking about it a bit more, I'm realizing that it's probably not just a bout of loneliness. My unplanned experiment this morning to see if eating excess carbs has an effect on my mood... looks like it will have another data point. This is probably depression of some sort.
That is so interesting.
I want to understand what is happening inside my brain.
But is it really? I feel like sometimes that could just be a cop-out. Sometimes depression covers real issues and problems... and the reality is that even with people who are trying to get close to me, I find it so hard to relate. So hard to stay connected. And so easy to just disappear and start over again.
I'm grateful for the people who do try to stay involved in my life... even with the chaos and stress that surrounds me. For a family that loves me even when I can't feel it. For people who consider me a friend even when I can't respond in kind. Hopefully, someday, I can feel the love you have for me... and find ways to return it as well.
In the meantime... yeah. At least it's making me think about life, right? And this is a minor sign that I should probably stick to my zero-carb diet.
Posted by Mormon Guy at 6:58 PM