The email came this afternoon at five o'clock. The sender was the Stanford Graduate School of Education, and before I clicked to open it all I could see in the preview bar was "if you can't read this email properly..."
I found myself watching my emotions. Wondering what the news would be, and how it would impact me. This would either be an open door, or one that would close yet again for another year.
Somewhere inside I already knew. It doesn't rain for three days for no reason. God had already primed me to know that He's involved in my life no matter what happens. He gave me hope and peace.
I got rejected.
Sort of anticlimactic, right? Overly melodramatic? Maybe. I don't know. It's an admissions decision from the only school I applied to - the only plan I had made for my future because it felt completely right. How am I supposed to feel? Devastated? Depressed? Relieved? Anxious? Just last week someone told me about a grandmother who killed herself when her grandson was rejected from college. It makes me imagine intricate glass castles, floating in the air, adorned with thoughts and hopes and waking dreams, that are shattered in an instant.
I'm not sure what my emotions are right now except for raw. Burned. So numb that I'm not sure I can even feel them.
Part of me wants to be frustrated with myself - the self that fails in every job interview, that puts together resumes that make people question my value, that somehow messes up everything he tries. If the last few years of life have done anything for me, they've made me more humble. Feeling like I'm never good enough, no matter what or how hard I try, does that to me. The people who wrote me letters of recommendation did the best they could. So did I... and this part of me feels like it wasn't enough.
Part of me wants to cry. I haven't cried yet. I'm sure I will... because I've been going in this direction for a long time, and wanted it to be the destination... because I'm still afraid of the unknown.
And part of me is grateful that God is involved in my life. I don't know what He wants me to do. I believe that, if I'm doing the best I can, everything will always work out for the best. I don't know how this will work out. This was my best shot, and it felt like the right direction all along. But maybe it wasn't meant to be. Maybe the miracle wasn't getting in... but staying out, because I need to do something different.
I don't know.
Either way, visions from God are directions... not destinations.
Thank you for your faith, your hope, and your prayers. I know that God has been involved in my life, often because of people who keep me in their prayers. And because He is involved in my life, I know this, like everything in life, will turn out for the best.
I just need to make sure I'm going in the right direction... have the faith to believe in Him... and He'll make sure I get wherever it is I need to be.